Coffee (beans)

Coffee! Such rich darkness and lush lightness! Where would I be today without you? The fact of the matter is, I've been a coffee fan since high school. Well, technically, before that. There were these tubs of ice cream that the local University would sell, and on alternating Wednesdays (for whatever reason) they would sell coffee flavored ice cream. Being the kid that I was, and I was a kid once, I've even seen pictures confirming this theory, I didn't like black coffee, or beer, or pretty much anything "fun." But I loved coffee ice cream. And then, in high school, I discovered (as did everybody else about that time) the fun of the coffee shop as hang out alternative to the mall (or where ever kids are hanging out that isn't a coffee shop) And then there were mochas. And lattes. And frappa-what-have-yous. In college, I remember distinctly the first time I received a check from the National Bank of Mom, during my freshmen year. Even though that money was for books and food and cost of living, all I could see was $75 worth of coffee.

And I'm no purest or snob. I drink McDonald's coffee. I drink gas station coffee. I'll drink the coffee at any roadside street stand brave enough to put a foul smelling brew in front of me. I know I'm not paying for quality. I know I'm paying for convenience and to some degree, experience. To say I was there, that I did that, that I lived, if only for a little while. And I cream and sugar the shit out of my coffee. Oh, I've had plenty of undiluted black cups through the years. I've tried many different concoctions, including Irish cream and whiskey, and all the various International Delight flavors. (For the uninitiated, less is more with those. They're sweeter than you'd think they'd need to be.)

So today's experiment is concerning the bean itself. What does 1000 beans look like, and what could I do with them if I was using 1000 a day instead of 1000 words a day?

A reliable source (read, the Internet) assures me that a pound of beans numbers approximately 4000 beans in total, so we're only looking at a quarter pounder (without cheese... cause coffee and cheese do not mix) of coffee. If one pound of beans produces 2.25 gallons of coffee, then 1/4 of that is 0.5625 galleons of coffee, or 72 fluid ounces. That works out to about nine cups of coffee a day, which to some might seem excessive, others outright disgusting, and others still might call me a wimp for drinking so little. I think it would work out something like this: three cups of coffee in the morning, another two around lunch time, another just before the evening meal, two while I read in the evening, and one just before bed. It's the one right before bed that's the really bad idea, because caffeine affects my physiology the way it affects everyone else's, I'm not the exception to the rule, not matter how exceptional I might be in other areas.

But there are health concerns to address. At nine cups of coffee a day, I'm running the risk of hospital visit further on down the line. Like everything else in life, excessive or even abusive use of something so pure and good and be detrimental. It was either Aristotle or Socrates who observed "Moderation in all things" and I'd like to believe that applies even to moderation, which means every now and again, we throw caution to the wind and we indulge (or if you're the addictive personality, and I am certainly one of those, or at least, I've certainly been called worse) again and again.... and again and again and again and again... you get the picture.

So let's change gears here. I have 1000 coffee beans to go through in a day, there's not a rule saying I'd need to grind, brew and drink all of them. Let's say I do that with 50%, which would only be 4.5 cups, roughly, a more realistic number to those who want to avoid the intensive care unit of the local sawbones'. Two in the morning, one before dinner, and a slightly larger cup (12 ounces instead of 8) in the evening and none before bed. What do I do with the remaining 500? Unfortunately, the bartering system in the US isn't what it used to be, and I doubt I could trade them for anything of equal size or value. I don't think it's fair to the experiment (nor to my own wallet, given that these things do cost money) to simply give them away.

I'm tempted to try incorporating them in an art project of some kind. Not the crappy macaroni art we all did in grade school (admit it, you were imagining the faces of all the US presidents interpreted by third graders through a medium of construction paper and elbow pasta when I said art project, didn't you?) but something more heady, abstract. Oh would that I could make a 3D sculpture of M. C. Escher's Belvadere! You've definitely seen that one before, it's the one with all the penrose triangles connected to look like a waterfall, a watermill and the water flowing "downhill" back to the top of the water fall. Only, in my sculpture, instead of water, it would be sweetly rolling boiling hot black coffee. You can almost... smell it, can't you?

The naysayers (how they love to say nay!) would observe here that there's no way I could create a 3D representation of an impossible 2D image. With 500 beans a day, I'd imagine, through trial and error, it might only take me 32.89 or so months to complete the project. All it takes is some glue, a bit of elbow grease, and small amount of warping the laws of three dimensioned spacial arrangements.

Lord knows I would have the excess energy.