Pockets (a breakdown)

In a random survey of one thousand pockets, the facts were these:

• Nine hundred and thirty-three contained some form of lint. All but one of those without lint had holes.
  
• Eight hundred and forty-one contained a writing utensil, of these at least six hundred respondants "don't remember buying that." Another one hundred and ninety-four were low on ink, out of lead, or broken.
  
• Eight hundred and five pockets contained keys, and of these, only seventy-seven were duplicates of keys which bore the instruction "do not duplicate."
  
• Seven hundred and sixty-three held some form of coined currency, where five hundred and forty-two held paper. Of the coins within the pockets, none of them tested positive for narcotics. The results of the same test applied to the paper currency have been redacted.
  
• Six hundred and twenty-seven were front pockets on jeans, khakis or short shorts. One hundred and sixteen were back pockets. Eighty were on pajamas. Nine were on swimsuits. None of these swimsuits were designed for a female.
  
• Five hundred and eighty-eight contained something edible, of these only two hundred and ninety-nine were in properly sealed and otherwise airtight packaging. An even hundred were wrapped in napkins two layers thick. Seventeen were forgotten completely. Three pets and one child allergic to peanuts suffered the consequences of this neglect. None of these consequences were fatal.
  
• Four hundred and twelve pockets contained sunglasses. Two hundred and six were prescription, of them, sixty-nine had UV protection. One hundred and thirty-two were broken, of them, forty-seven were missing a lens. Of the missing lenses, twenty-three were found in same pocket, held together with a length of duct tape and piece of frayed rope.
  
• Three hundred and fifty-nine were jacket pockets. Of these, one hundred and eleven were inner breast pockets. Of these, seventy-nine contained names and phone numbers on cocktail napkins which were rendered illegible by a combination of the number of drinks consumed by their authors (redacted) and the discretion of the recipients' spouse or lover (redacted).
• Two hundred and fifty-six stored wallets. Of these, two hundred and fifty contained IDs, though of the IDs only two hundred and three resembled their owner. Two hundred and thirty-four wallets contained pictures of loved ones, of them only one hundred and seventy were actually loved. Thirty-eight pictures had been altered, of them twenty by fire and another six were used for target practice.
• One hundred and seventeen contained digital cameras. Of these, only five had batteries that weren't completely drained, and of those five, only one photographer used his flash properly. The amount and content of these images, while being the only ones of coherence to the survey team, have been redacted.
  
• One hundred and four contained condoms. Of these, one hundred and two had not been previously used, ninety-seven were still sealed in their wrappers, seventy-six contained a combination spermicide/lubricant which has since been banned by the FDA for any commercial use in the US but has been adopted as a baby formula by seven third world countries. Sixty were colored something other than "latex." Forty were flavored something other than "latex." The twenty remaining condoms (all of which have passed their expiration dates) were "completely forgotten about" by the people who had "put that there years ago" and added they "haven't worn this old thing since college."
  
• Ninety-two were home to keepsakes, random pieces of kitsch whose emotional value was inversely proportionate to their approximate or actual worth, including, but not limited to: a Frank Zappa Zippo lighter (approximate retail value, $17), a metal pulley typically used on sailboat rigging employed here as a key chain (approximate retail value, $4), a cubic zirconia ring which was professed by both recipiant and purchaser to be the "real thing" (actual retail value $49.99) and a dessicated Japanese fighting cricket which the owner professed was the only good luck charm he needed to survive in these harsh economic times (actual retail value, $0).
  
• Eighty contained sugar packets, of which nineteen were opened, of which four had ants.
  
• Seventy-two had love letters, of these only twenty-four were written by women. Forty-five were written three decades previous. Thirty-two remain sealed. Seventeen of the letterholders are still in contact with the person (or persons) who wrote them, but of them only eight ever married the letterwriters, and of those eight, through death and divorce, only four are still married today.
• There were only fifty-five notepads, and of those notepads only five were free of expletives. Twenty had lists of groceries. Seven were just doodles of varying skill and prurience. Thirteen had lists of names and of those lists, nine had lines through names near the top and the other four had question marks next to names at the bottom.
• Forty pockets contained beads on strings, including, but not limited to, rosaries, secular prayer beads, decorative neon colored beads, beads in the shape of a marjiuana leaf and a type of bead whose purpose has been redacted.
• Twenty-nine had medical instruments, of them eleven had trace elements of blood, and of that blood, only one sample burst into flames when spritz with holy water.
• Twenty-one contained hair products, ten were for hair removal, ten were for hair management, and one promised to replace the hair that had gone.
  
• Twelve were reported to adorn kilts (which, it should be noted, were not ethnic by design.)
  
• Only one pocket was reportedly part of wedding dress, a strapless size six whose designer, seamstress and owner were the same person. The pocket was specifically stitched to fit one small, single shot pistol, which was burdened by the additional weight of a hollow tip, nickel plated bullet. The purpose of the bullet, gun, pocket and dress has not been redacted. Such information was the business of the dresser's designer, seamstress and owner, and no one had the balls to ask her for more information.
• None were hot.